Saturday, September 6, 2014



Today's post is quite a personal one. I hold this subject close to my heart because I know the struggle of it all too well.


Who am I?
What am I made for?
Who will I be?
What will I become?

For many years I went through life asking these questions. It always seemed I could never come up with a good enough answer, an answer that seemed to never be pleasing to me, or the people around me.

 I have tried to think back and pin point the moment I felt this self doubt. It seems to have lingered into my earliest memories. This reality crushes my heart. The thought of young girls and boys going through this same struggle I once had, crushes my heart.

I remember feeling lost, confused, sadness, not being enough, hatered, dissatisfaction, guilt, being plagued by many untrue thoughts I construde about who I was and who I had to be. 

I feel incredibly blessed to have lived a life without Christ. Now, please don't hear me the wrong way. I wish I would have gone through my whole 25 years of existence thus far worshiping our Creator. because He is worthy of that. He deserves that love, that praise, that dedication. 
But I am blessed to be able to take a look into my past and see what a life truly lived for myself, a life lived to glorify myself, looks like. Because when I compare a self glorified life and a Christ glorified life, My heart falls even more in love with my Creator.

I hated myself, I strived to please the idols I placed in my heart, I gave into worldly beauty, I gave into so many unrealistic standards. all these untrue lies lead to a self destructive, heart broken me. 
I could never be beautiful enough, I could never be thin enough, I could never be number one, I could never be the best me. I strived to please others and to please the void I felt within myself. 
But not so surprising enough, all of the idol chasing, people pleasing, self involved beauty led me to nothing. Nothing good I should say, it led me to a darkness I wish to never know again. 

It breaks my heart to see this artificial beauty that is so sought after, but the motivation that drives this unrealistic sense of perfection is incredibly dangerous.
I have come to realize my motivation to fill all those empty voids was a selfish, self involved, self destructive, me me me, motivation.

But friends there is some good news. Some news that will change your heart. Some news that will make you new.

This process was not an easy one for me, I believed so many lies for so long. It's incredibly difficult to unlearn what you had been taught for many many years. After all, wordly living does not line up with biblical living.  It took a few years to realize this seed that had planted itself years and years ago was still growing. Not growing into a beautiful flower that was soon to blossom and show its beauty. More like a single strand of vine, that grew into several strands of vines, that grew into thousands of strands of vines, that grew into every empty space I had left empty. To me any space that is not filled and rooted in Christ is an empty space , an empty space waiting to be filled with something else, something dangerous that will soon consume your everything.

The first few years of my newly regenerated heart, I believe I lived a very incomplete gospel. I believe Christ had a hold of my heart, but I also believe I  was living a very one-sided Gospel. A Jesus loves you and thats all that matters Gospel. It wasn't until I realized I still had this life sucking vine growing into every sinfully unguarded place in my body, that I realized I was not fully leaning on my Creator.

Every morning I would wake up and over analyze what could be better about myself,  almost like I was a computer collecting all of this damaged data, sorting out a way to be better, to be undamaged. And I realized when I did this, I was telling Christ His creation wasn't good enough. I was saying I could make something more beautiful with more makeup, more diets, more exercise, more more more. I can make this more beautiful than what you did Jesus.
What a crazy thought to have.

Take a look outside, Its the most beautiful picture I couldn't ever imagine to paint. Take a quick second to think about how your body functions. Its amazing, the craftsmanship is perfection.

Needless to say, once I really realized what I was really saying when I critiqued myself, I jumped right off my pedestal, and praised the One who truly is the artist. No human could ever create a more beautiful me. I thank Christ for opening my eyes up to this truth. I have so much more freedom to just be content. To be in the moment. To enjoy those moments. And to not worry about how I look in those moments.

Loving Jesus is important. Knowing what he had called you to do, knowing His truths he has laid out for you are just as important. Without these guides we are still worshipping a self centered incomplete Gospel.

I believe our journey with Christ is in a constant state of growing. Up until the day we die. We will never achieve pure holiness. But as time goes on and as our knowledge continues to grow our hearts continue to grow, and we become more and more holy. Because when you center yourself with Christ, when you are intentional about making Him the roots in your life, you're more likely to be a better refection of His holiness.

When I root myself into Christ's truths, I can better decipher the lies I tell myself. When Christ is put in the center, I am able to lean on Him. I am able to really believe the words I am reading about His perfect creations. His holiness opens my eyes to His truths.

I know Christ created me in His image. And Christ is perfect. And that means I am perfect. But only because of Him is this true.

You see, I'm done chasing this artificial dream down a rabbit trail. I'm not beautiful because I can fix this and this and that, I can always fix something about myself, even when I fix that something, something new is broken. I'm beautiful because I was created specifically this way, for a purpose, for a reason. And nothing can change these core truths. These are the roots in which I grow from.

So Friends, If you struggle with identity and feel as if you are not beautiful, if you feel you can never be good enough, know that you don't have to be consumed by those lies. You don't have to please everyone around you for their words of affirmation. You are perfectly and wonderfully made. Don't wait as long as I did to crack open a bible and see theses truths. They are right there in front of your face. Peace is right there at your finger tips.

Thank you Jesus for your unending love.


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